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Today's post was written by Rusty Wright.
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Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall?

The television comedy Frasier was one of the most popular TV series in US history. It’s been called “a thinking person’s comedy.” Reruns are ubiquitous, about six episodes daily in our area. Frasier Crane, the protagonist, is a caring, sensitive, cultured – but insecure and sometimes pompous – Seattle radio psychiatrist who always greets his callers with, “I’m listening.” Yet sometimes he becomes so wrapped up in himself that he tunes others out.

He’s not alone. In one amusing scene, Frasier’s ex wife, Lilith (also a psychiatrist) tries to converse with Frasier’s brother Niles (yet another psychiatrist) about an especially weighty matter. Niles, focused on a video game, doesn’t pay her sufficient attention, prompting Lilith to exclaim, “Is there a chair here I could talk to?”

I confess that my wife, Meg, sometimes has to use Lilith’s line to get my attention. Mind you, I don’t confess that it’s as often as she might claim!

But it’s easy to focus on my interests and not hear – or fully process – her words. Once, planning a meal, she asked if we had vegetables in the refrigerator. Seeing none of the vegetables I like (carrots, celery, zucchini, tomatoes, broccoli), I replied “No.” Turned out we had artichokes, asparagus, and other veggies that were her favorites. Perhaps distracted – that alibi satisfies me if it does you – I didn’t take the time to think through her interests.

Listening is a powerful form of affirmation and an important tool in understanding and communication. Solomon, a wise Jewish king, wrote, “What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!” (Proverbs 18:13)

Have you ever been around someone who made you feel like you were the most important person in the world? They probably knew how to listen.

Medical ethicist Stephen Post writes in his book, Why Good Things Happen to Good People, “When we truly absorb another’s story, we are saying, ‘You count. Your life and feelings and thoughts matter to me. And I want to know who you really are.’” He claims that listening can help both the listener and the one listened to. New studies indicate: “Listening activates the part of our brains hardwired for empathy. … When we listen to others in pain, their stress response quiets down and their body has a better chance to heal.”

University of Minnesota rhetoric professor Ralph G. Nichols noted that a listener’s opposition to a speaker’s statement can hamper further listening. Nichols said a listener feeling stung often tries “to do three things simultaneously: (1) calculate what hurt is being done to his own pet ideas; (2) plot an embarrassing question to ask the speaker; (3) enjoy mentally all the discomfiture visualized for the speaker once the devastating reply to him is launched.”

Sounds like a recipe for tuning out. Maybe for starting a war. Better to “hold your fire” advised Nichols. Reminds me of a biblical adage: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.” (James 1:19-20)

The International Listening Association (yep, they really exist) quips that conversation is “a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.” TV talking heads take note, please.

The ILA also says, “History repeats itself because no one listens the first time.” Politicians and voters take note, please.

Isn’t this a fascinating subject? Don’t you just love reading what I say about it?

Oh, yes. What was that you wanted to tell me?
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Rusty Wright is an author and lecturer who has spoken on six continents. He holds Bachelor of Science (psychology) and Master of Theology degrees from Duke and Oxford universities, respectively. www.RustyWright.com

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Published on 5 Comments on Daniel 9:3 Pancakes and Ashes

How many of you had pancakes for supper yesterday? According to Facebook status updates, a lot of my friends did. They all seemed to enjoy eating the pancakes, and the annual societal permission to have breakfast for supper, but I’m not sure that all of them really understand the reason for Pancake Tuesday, nor the significance of Ash Wednesday which is today.

Neither Pancake Tuesday nor Ash Wednesday is mentioned in the Bible. Ash Wednesday begins the period of Lent, which is the 40 days (not including Sundays) leading up to Easter. Lent was originally a time of fasting for the purpose prayer, self-examination and repentance. It is representative of the 40 days that Jesus spent in the wilderness. (Luke 4:1-13) Pancake Tuesday started for practical reasons. If parishioners had to give up certain things for 40 days including, butter, milk and eggs, they would see to it that they didn’t go to waste. The making of pancakes would use those things up. Somehow something is lost these days when you make your pancakes by adding water to the powder from a box.

On Ash Wednesday, penitents in some faiths have a cross drawn with ash placed on their foreheads by the priest. The ashes are created by burning the palms from Palm Sunday of the previous year. All very symbolic, and based on the way that people expressed repentance and grief in the Bible. (II Samuel 13:19, Esther 4:1, Job 42:5-6, Matthew 11:21) But like a lot of traditions, sometimes the symbolism stays even though the reasons for it have been lost.

The true spirit of humility that is supposed to be represented by fasting in sackcloth and ashes is well demonstrated by Daniel. (Daniel 9:3) Daniel prayed on behalf of Jerusalem for forgiveness of sins he did not commit, and for mercy from God towards the city. (Daniel 9:4-19) Daniel knew that the restoration of the city of Jerusalem depended solely on God’s grace and mercy, and not on anything that the people could do. Putting ashes on your forehead on Ash Wednesday also symbolizes this humility, but it means nothing if that humility is not truly in your heart.

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Published on 2 Comments on Proverbs 22:6 Family

Today, in many parts of Canada, is Family Day. It is a holiday that was established in 1999 in Alberta, 2007 in Saskatchewan, 2008 in Ontario, and will begin in British Columbia in 2013. Family Day is also celebrated at various other times in a few other countries and American states. In Canada, as holidays go, it’s a pretty recent addition to the list. I can understand why people thought it would be a good idea to have a day off in February; most years it feels like the longest month even though it’s the shortest. What I can’t understand is why they chose to call it Family Day. Holidays usually have a reason to celebrate, something to commemorate, and if not they are called civic or bank holidays. Why is this one called Family Day? Is it really necessary for the government to institute a day to spend with our families? Is it that unlikely that we would spend our time with them if the government didn’t make it sound like that was the purpose? Perhaps.

Family has certainly taken on different forms in recent decades. When people talk of traditional families, they are usually thinking of a mother, father and children. Maybe a family pet. That was pretty much the norm in the 1950s. These days, however, the combinations are much more varied. Depending on the make-up of your family, it may be more and more challenging to find time to spend together. As a teacher, I was faced with students from many different family situations. Some children had the attention that they needed, and some didn’t. Despite the changes in family dynamics, however, this problem has existed since the time of Solomon. In Proverbs 22:6 he advised parents to teach their children to live Godly lives, with the assurance that when they grew up they would remember what they had been taught. This is an activity that requires time and attention. And discipline. Children don’t naturally know right from wrong; they have to be taught it, and if it becomes part of their training when they are young, it will be part of their lives long after they leave home.

Children don’t forget how they’ve been brought up, but sometimes they choose to ignore it. Proverbs 22:6 is a principle, not a promise. Sometimes children choose to do things in a way that completely disregards what they have been taught, but that is a freedom that God has given to all of us. He has made known to us what is right, and we can choose whether we want to live by it or not. He gave parents the responsibility to teach those things to their children. If parents don’t instruct their children to do what is right, it will be much more difficult for them to figure it out later in life. If parents train their children to be godly, it is likely that the children will continue in that way for the rest of their lives. Even if they rebel for a time, they will know the way back to the right path.

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As I was writing Wednesday’s post, I thought of The Vow. The movie opened last week. I have not seen it, so this is neither a review nor a recommendation. I am, however, familiar with the story behind it, the story of Kim and Krickitt Carpenter. I don’t know if the movie accurately recreates their story, but the book written by the Carpenters themselves is available for anyone who wants a more accurate representation.

This is their story in a nutshell. Kim and Krickitt met over the phone, got to know each other, fell in love and got married. Ten weeks after their wedding they were driving to Krickitt’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. She was at the wheel. There was a terrible car accident and Krickitt went into a coma. When she awoke four months later, Kim was by her side. She didn’t know him. She didn’t have any memory of the previous 18 months, and she still doesn’t. She didn’t know that she was married. When she saw her wedding pictures, she recognized herself as the bride, but she had no memories of that day or any part of the relationship that she had built with Kim. So many things could have happened at this point. Krickitt didn’t remember Kim, and she wasn’t the same woman that Kim had married. The accident had changed her personality, and she had to relearn the most basic things. For many couples, this would be enough to justify divorce. Okay, it didn’t work out. You go your way, and I’ll go mine. That was not the case for the Carpenters. Kim and Krickitt stayed together, not because they were experiencing the warm and loving relationship that prompted them to get married in the first place, but because they had made a vow. Kim honoured the vow that he had made to Krickitt and before God even though Krickitt was not the same woman that he had married. Krickitt made the choice to learn to love Kim again, not because she felt the emotions, but because she had made a commitment.

God intended for marriage to be a serious commitment. When the Pharisees questioned Jesus about divorce, (Mark 10:1-9) Jesus explained that divorce was never God’s intention. Moses allowed divorce because he was dealing with humans in a fallen world, and insisted on the provision of a certificate of divorce to protect the woman who was deserted by her husband. A woman would be in a very vulnerable position in that society if she could not be married. Today, as then, the point is not what the legal documents say; it is the condition of your heart that matters to God. Marriage is a symbol of Christ’s relationship to His people. We are His bride. How would we feel if He didn’t take His commitment to us any more seriously than we take our commitment to each other? What if He decided to leave us because He just didn’t feel the love anymore? We can be thankful that God is more loving and forgiving than we are, but we should also strive to be keep our vows.

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Published on 1 Comment on John 15:12-14 True Love

I walked into the grocery store yesterday morning, but unlike the many people looking at the large variety of flower arrangements just inside the door, I was there to buy food. When I got to the check-out, there were two lanes open—the express lane and a lane dedicated to flower sales only. Yes, it was Valentine’s Day, the one day a year set aside to celebrate love with hearts and flowers, red and pink. Now as much as I think that you should show your love every day of the year, I don’t have a problem with setting aside one day in particular to make a point of showing it. I think mothers should be celebrated every day of the year too, but if it weren’t for Mother’s Day, we might not ever get around to saying thank you.

My problem with Valentine’s Day is more about people's perceptions of what love is. Real love is not all about hearts and flowers. It’s not always pretty. Love is about commitment and sacrifice. When you make a vow to love someone until death separates you, that is going to take some work. For all those who made or accepted proposals of marriage yesterday, you need to realize that a time will come when those warm fuzzy feelings will wear off, and you will have to face reality. I hope that you never have to face devastating things together, but you might, and you will certainly have to face daily routine—jobs, laundry, bill paying, choosing between one person’s wishes and the other’s. Are you willing to put someone else’s needs and desires above your own? Are you willing to risk your life for them?

John 15:13 tells us that there is no greater love than laying down your life for someone else. This is what Christ did for us. God loved us so much that He sent His son (John 3:16) to pay the penalty for our sin, to be our substitute so that we would not have to face the punishment that was intended for us. (Romans 5:8, I John 2:2, I John 4:10) It is hard to imagine that kind of love, but that is what Jesus commands in John 15:12. Love others as I have loved you. There is no greater love than laying down your life for your friends. You are my friends if you love each other this way. (John 15:12-14 LC paraphrase) Do you think that you are ready to show that kind of love? Peter thought he was too, (Mark 14:31), but after the rooster crowed in the morning he realized the truth. (Mark 14:66-72) Loving as Jesus loved is a lot to live up to, but this is what true love means.

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Published on 2 Comments on Proverbs 16:18 It’s not all about me.

It has now been 14 months since I was hit in a motor vehicle accident, and I am still in pain every day. Although the pain is not as excruciating as it was at the beginning, I no longer have the strength or endurance to do the things that I used to do. I often find myself thinking that I just want to get better so that I can get my life back. But I also believe that God is trying to teach me something through this experience. I ask Him in my prayers, “What do you want me to learn from this?”, but in my heart that usually ends with “so I can get back to my life”.

My first thought about what God’s lesson for me might be was rest. It seemed to be a common theme in sermons I heard a few months after the accident and now in a book I am reading for my Bible study group. It is the answer that is most often suggested by my friends, and it is certainly something that God advocates. (Exodus 16:27-30, Exodus 34:21, Matthew 11:28) But God also advocates working, (John 5:17, John 9:4, James 2:22, Ephesians 4:11-12, Acts 18:3) and I had already started prioritizing where I put my energy, so I’m not convinced that rest is the answer. The second reason most people suggest is this blog. Perhaps God wanted me to write this blog, so He took away everything else I could do so that I would write it. That might sound good in theory, but the truth is that I had intended to start writing this blog on January 1, 2011 before the accident happened. I do believe God called me to do it, and I do hope that some day I will see that it has been of value to people, but God didn’t force me into it. I do it willingly, and I’ll leave the results up to Him. So what is the answer? I think I’ve finally figured out that my problem is pride.

Different people probably have different ideas of what pride looks like. Some may imagine someone who is arrogant and conceited and thinks he is better than anyone else around him. Others may imagine someone with great self-confidence, a person who knows that she can do what she needs to do. The second version doesn’t really sound that bad, does it? But as the popular, abbreviated version of Proverbs 16:18 tells us, pride goes before a fall. Pride is trusting in yourself alone. For me, it boils down to this—wanting to be self-sufficient. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone, and I certainly don’t want to be a burden to anyone. Currently I am both, and I really don’t like it! In the book, The Sacred Romance, Brent Curtis says, “Part of my smaller story has been to use my gifts as a teacher and thinker to win people’s admiration—to be someone’s hero.” I have a similar desire. I like to be appreciated. I like to hear people say Thank You. I find myself doing what I can for others, so that they will think that I have some value.

The truth is, that without the grace of God, I am nothing. All good gifts in this world come from Him, (James 1:16-17) including our abilities and good health. How much He chooses to give us is up to Him. We can work and strive and plan and pray, but unless He is willing to allow it, it will not happen. That is not to say that He does not allow us to go our own way, because He has given us free will, but I had been praying for months before the accident that I wanted to do whatever was His will for my life. That’s truly what I want, but the pride of being self-sufficient is obviously deeply ingrained, and needs to be eliminated first.

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Published on 2 Comments on Psalm 34:18 Deliverance

In December 2009, a friend of mine, a 39 year old wife and mother of six, had a routine medical exam. Not long after she was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. She died on this date two years ago. On that same day a teenage girl also died of a cancer that she had been battling much longer. Two days ago a dear friend’s mother also died of cancer. She was 66. Other friends and family members of various ages have also died of this savage disease, but for some reason, it hits home a little harder on February 10. And cancer is just one of the many trials we face in this world. It’s so frustrating! It seems so unfair!

There is no doubt that we should expect trouble in this world, (John 16:33) but we can also be assured that God still cares for us through the hard times. We do not face these hardships because God has stopped caring for us, but because we live in an imperfect world. God, however, is not imperfect, and He has compassion on those who humbly seek Him. Psalm 34:18 assures us that He is close to the brokenhearted and will deliver those who are discouraged. Sometimes the deliverance takes longer than we want it to, and it doesn’t necessarily come in the way we expect. Psalm 34 is David’s testimony of how the Lord delivered him, and his assurance that God will do the same for future generations as well.

The King James Version translates the last part of Psalm 34:18 as those who have a contrite spirit. It makes sense that being humble would be a requirement for God’s deliverance. God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6) Psalm 51:17 tells us that the sacrifice that God desires is a humble spirit; a humble and repentant heart He will not reject. If we come to God humbly, and lay our burdens at His feet, (Psalm 34:15, Matthew 11:28) He will be gracious to us, bring us through the discouragement and heal our broken hearts.

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Published on 1 Comment on II Timothy 3:16-17 What is the value of the Old Testament?

If the Old Testament law no longer applies to us (as I’ve discussed in my last two posts, February 3, 2012 and February 6, 2012), what is the point of reading the Old Testament? It takes up approximately ¾ of the pages in your Bible. There must be some reason why people keep printing it and buying it.

When God made a covenant with the people of Israel, He made it through His representative, Moses. It was only by going to Moses, or later the priests and judges appointed by him, that the people could know what God was saying to them or what His requirements were. Now, with the coming of Christ, and specifically His death on the cross (Colossians 2:14), we have been freed from the Mosaic Law, and more importantly, we can go directly to God through Jesus Christ. (Hebrews 8:6-11 which quotes Jeremiah 31:31-34)

So what purpose does the Old Testament now serve? II Timothy 3:16-17 gives us the answer. All scripture is inspired by God and useful for teaching, reproof, correction, training and equipping. The history and prophecy of the Old Testament allows us to understand the significance of the New Testament, beginning with the genealogy listed in Matthew 1 and continuing to the death and resurrection of Christ. (I Corinthians 15:3-5) When Jesus walked on earth, the only scriptures that people knew were what we now refer to as the Old Testament. Those were the scriptures that Jesus quoted and prayed. Those were the scriptures that He used to teach the disciples and the people. (Matthew 22:29, Luke 4:21, Luke 24:27) Every time Jesus said, “It is written…”, He was referring to the Old Testament scriptures.

Although we are no longer under Mosaic law, the principles and facts that are written in the Old Testament are still true. We can still find hope and encouragement from the Psalms. We can still find good advice in Proverbs. We can still learn from the experiences of the Israelites. We can still find evidence of God’s faithfulness in His interactions with the people of Israel, and in the very fact that He made a new covenant that includes all of us.

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In my last post, I brought up the question of whether the laws that were given in the Old Testament still apply to us. If some of the laws on food restriction don’t apply, do any of the others? In a sense, no. But, you might argue, does that mean that it’s okay to lie and murder and steal, since we don’t have to obey those laws anymore? Of course not! Just because we are no longer under the old covenant, doesn’t mean there is no covenant at all. To begin with, we are told in Romans 13:1-7 that we must obey whatever authorities are in place; they have been appointed by God.

Then in Romans 13:8-10, the Apostle Paul boils it down for us. In Romans 13:7, he had just instructed his readers to pay their debts, and to give to others what is due them. Now in Romans 13:8, he tells us that once we have paid our debts, we should owe nothing to anyone, except for love. Love is an obligation that though we pay it, it will never cease to be an obligation. We must love, not because we have some highly emotional feeling that attracts us to someone else, and therefore we want to show our affection. The love being discussed in this passage is agape love, the unconditional love that Christ has for us and that He commands us to have for one another. We are to have concern for every other person on this earth because that is what Christ requires of us. We will certainly need the power of the Holy Spirit within us to accomplish this.

Perhaps the Pharisees liked to have rules because it gave them structure and boundaries. Perhaps they found following the rules easier than loving others. They thought that Jesus was flouting their law, their authority and their tradition, but Jesus said, “I did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill the law.” (Matthew 5:17) He also said that the greatest commandments were to love God, and to love others. (Matthew 22:36-40, John 13:34) We are now under a new covenant with God, based not on law but on His grace. If we follow the guidelines of that covenant—loving each other—we won’t have to worry about breaking Old Testament laws.

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Published on 7 Comments on Mark 7:15 ♪♫ Tradition! ♪♫

I often read other people’s blogs and comments. One comment I read recently was on the topic of food laws of the Old Testament, and if we weren’t willing to obey them, should we just ignore all the other laws of the Old Testament, such as the ten commandments, as well? I’ve heard comments similar to this before. If this was a cultural issue and doesn’t apply to us today, then does any of the Old Testament apply? I find it interesting that (a) people think that it has to be all or nothing and (b) people are willing to follow the rules without understanding the underlying principles. This is what the Pharisees did.

The Pharisees were very religious, and they were so strict about following the Law that they made up more rules to add to it. Before long it was more about the rules than it was about pleasing God. Jesus had offended the Pharisees by not observing their Sabbath laws, (Mark 2:23-3:6) so they began to watch for any reason to accuse Him. An opportunity came when the disciples didn’t follow the rules for ceremonial washing before a meal. (Mark 7:1-5) This ritual was not intended for physical cleanliness, but for moral cleanliness. So when Jesus responded to them, (Mark 7:15) He also was talking about moral cleanliness. In doing so, according to Mark, He declared the end to food restrictions. (Take note that Jesus did not speak those exact words, but Mark came to that conclusion from what he had learned through Peter in this passage and in Acts 11:1-10.)

The disciples had grown up with these Pharisaical traditions, and didn’t know any other way. So when Jesus said that people could not be defiled by what they ate, the disciples were confused and asked for an explanation. (Mark 7:17-23) I’m sure that Jesus did not intend for us to never wash or to eat anything we wanted without regard to our health. But He was more concerned with our spiritual health than with our physical health. He was more concerned with the condition of our hearts, because that is the source of sin in our lives. If we will concentrate on keeping our hearts pure, our hands and mouths will not do anything to defile us.